A. Hey, Look at this Stupid Thing I Wrote
This is my 'personal' site (the others are deeply impersonal, to the degree that I find editing them dehumanizing). I made it because I wanted a place to post my Hakuouki review, which kept getting eaten by blogging services an opportunity to post everything I've ever written? Why else would I need a personal site? I've got like nine blogs. the things I've written over the last couple of years that don't really belong on a blog. There is, of course, no chance that I could simply keep these posts to myself. My words must breathe free online, or they will die gasping like Brontës. So, please don't steal my deeply personal stuff. Except where obvious or noted, it belongs to me. (And why would you want to steal it, anyway? What's wrong with you? Go plagiarize George Carlin like a normal person.) Because it is bitter, and because it is my heart:
1. Remember the Titans = This is the essay (it's not an essay) that started it all! It is a review of Hakuouki: Shinsengumi Kitan (it's not a review of Hakuouki: Shinsengumi Kitan).
2. Harry Potter's Happy Thoughts = A haphazard semi-review, semi-ranticle re: Harry Potter and the. HINT: This is not a five-star fancapsule made of slobber-crusts and happy tears.
3. The Feminist Mystique = I feel very +1 about 94% of modern feminism. Wolf lives in the 6% margin. Short.
4. The Raven King = This is actually a graphic. I know, right? (← One of the things that doesn't really belong to me.)
5. Fuck You, Jane Austen:
a. The Bartender & The Kingdom of Heaven = Twain & Austen
b. The Shoelaces = The protean snatches of an essay that I edited out of Cynn Corvus
c. Sense & Sensibility = I actually watched this shit! With my eyes!! (Coming soon.)
6. Angels & Demons Read Along = One of my oldest continuing projects; making fun of Dan Brown on the internet is like feeding ducks in the park: Harmless fun for everybody!
7. In Defense of Fantasy = A single paragraph from a super-long, totally insane essay that will never, ever see the light of day.
8. The Vampyre = This is a massive book review/essay thing. Like its subject, it abhors daylight and virginity. (Coming soon.)
9. Liquor Is Quicker = A short essay on a topic I would describe as, "Anti-feminist slander disguised as scientific research and flying under false feminist colors."
10. Garner & Tolkien = Another epic book review/essay. (Coming soon.) (With a better title, hopefully.)
11. My Thoughts on... Postmodernism = Snatches from an essay on postmodernism that turned out so deranged it made the fantasy-fiction essay look like somebody's shopping list.
12. The Law of Conservation of Penises = One of the last things I wrote via IM! Really short (and retarded).
13. GENRE WARS = A completely terrible essay about genre novels that is: 1. mean, 2. irrelevant, and 3. semi-delusional. Enjoy.
B. There Is a Monster at the End of this Book
ABOUT THE SITE: This page, although you might not be able to tell, is called Warn the Duke! It is named for this metafictional story, which I first encountered in the Ragtime musical (but which was actually born in Doctorow's novel) and for some sadistic reason found totally hilarious. I'm sorry, Imaginary Houdini. "公爵を言い聞かせる" is pronounced, "koushaku o iikikaseru." (The "よ" informally emphasizes the imperative conjugation.) The header image came from a comic called Maou no Amai Keiyaku, which is totally adorable and worth downloading. The graphics font is "memo."
ABOUT ME: My name is Emma, I'm 30, and I made this whole domain all by myself (except for the parts that are hosted, of course). I am a feminist and a liberal (I whine because I love), and I am a little sad that Barack Obama is not actually a closet socialist. Speaking of Obama: My father is black and my mother is white, and I'm really happy about it, thanks. I recently discovered that I enjoy reading the biographies of historical personages. I have terrible hair and I'm right-handed. I like bright colors, soda pop, and caramel candy. I am a dog person and a cat person. I am afraid of cities. I do not believe in God; the sky is enough for me. I like big scary animals like lions, hippos, and giraffes, but zoos make me cry and Africa does not call out to my blood, so I have to content myself with nature documentaries on the teevee. I have no taste. Please don't ever make me a playlist. I hate traveling. I don't want to see your vacation photos — in return, I will never show you mine. The sweet secret dream that I hold quivering in my soul is: I wish I could draw. I am excruciatingly lazy. I was born a weeaboo (or, with the preferred spelling, a "wēabô"), although I think Korean comics may be slightly superior. I like flowers, but not in vases. I can swim. I lift weights every day. I have a wheat allergy, three flatirons, one pair of stilettos, and every single Glee album. I often wish I had been born gay, but it just never happened for me; if I were Katy Perry, I would've had to call my record: "I Kissed A Girl (And It Wasn't Terribly Exciting)." I often have dreams in which I'm buying chocolate at the mall, and I always wake up disappointed. I like captioned cat pictures. I draw anatomically-incorrect birds around the edges of all my handwritten notes. I am apparently even more boring than even I knew :[
Picspam one day soon when I've worked out some current health issues that have left me with hollow eyes, chicken legs, and even worse hair than usual. Until then, here's my never-updated Flickr.
C. The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
Aside from the tiny number of carbon-based life forms that I consider to be my family, there's nothing I love more than books. So, I made you some reading lists. What else was I going to put here, my thoughts on yaoi?
Are you keeping some awesome, awesome secret about some amazing book you think I might end up adoring? Send me an e-mail or post about it on my Formspring, and I'll check it out as soon as I notice.
1. Recommended Reading, Commercial Edition
A "★" indicates the presence of fictional sexxxxxxx. Presented in random order:
i. The Left Hand of Darkness & The Earthsea Saga, by Ursula K. LeGuin. When I was a kid I was deeply devoted to LeGuin, and specifically to The Earthsea Cycle, which I read about 37 times. These novels informed not just my understanding of 'fantasy' & fiction, but my understanding of myself as a human animal. Through her, I was able to appreciate that the speechless world is not empty. And, The Left Hand of Darkness is the sole reason I chose to strike gender from the list of questions in my catechism, and regard myself primarily as a human being whose existence is mildly complicated by ladyparts. I think that was kind of a gift, actually; I read the novel when I was 15. I also think LeGuin is one of the greatest writers who ever lived. I would thank her for her help, if I could.
ii. Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell, by Susanna Clarke. If there is such a thing as A Book, then for me, this is it. Strange & Norrell resolved every major complaint I've ever had regarding life, the universe, and everything. I wish it were more historically factual — even vanished, magic would have been worth everything. You must read this novel!
iii. Smith of Wootton Major & The Monsters and the Critics, by J.R.R. Tolkien. Most people I know tend to think of Tolkien as a sort of horror novelist because he was, you know, a racist asshat who, upon close inspection, did not appear to think that the things he wrote were fiction. But, I can't throw him away. In its stodgy English way, Smith of Wootton Major is one of the most haunting stories I've ever read (it's all the more haunting for being stodgy and English, actually), and The Monsters and the Critics is probably the only truly enjoyable work of literary criticism extant on the planet.
iv. Kingdoms of Elfin, by Sylvia Townsend Warner. I just finished this book, and it was fabulous and upsetting. It is out of print and it defies description, but the prose is magnificently beautiful and the tone suggests an element of that obtuse, fairy-generated history of the Kingdom of Seven that Mr Norrell hid away in his hypothetical library. If you can find this novel in a library or a used bookstore, read it immediately.
v. selected e e cummings poetry. I know, but some of it was wonderful. Here are my favorites: i sing of Olaf glad and big, All in green my love went riding, a man who had fallen among thieves (in line 9: that should be "leal," not "Meal"), Where's Madge then, nobody loses all the time, Buffalo Bill's, and my father moved through dooms of love
vi. Snow Drop, by Tanith Lee. ★ All Tanith Lee's fiction is great — very stylish, sexy, and woman-centric. I've read dozens of her books and stories over the years, but this is the one that opened my eyes to the fictional possibilities of gay sex. At the time, I didn't grasp even a fraction of the psychological weight of the sex scene in this story; I just thought it was super-hot. (I was 12, cut me some slack.) Actually, Snow Drop may be the reason I decided imaginary gay sex was literary, and consigned imaginary straight sex, by omission, to vulgarity and dullness. I've read thousands of stories in this genre, but Snow Drop will always have a special place in my heart. (You're free to keep it anywhere you like.)
vii. The People, Yes, by Carl Sandburg. Sandburg influenced famous Harlem Renaissance poets like Langston Hughes and Sterling Brown, who contributed to a sea change in American literature in their own right — but Sandburg is seldom studied himself. That is all kinds of wrong. His poetry is gorgeous, his language reflects the beautiful eccentricity of an immigrant's alien ear, and most importantly, Sandburg focused clearly on the battered American working class of the early 20th century without turning his subjects into the demoralized symbols of a floundering civilization. All of his books of poetry are worth reading, but The People, Yes is my favorite.
viii. King David: The Real Life of the Man Who Ruled Israel, by Jonathan Kirsch. This book probably isn't what you think it is, unless you think it's a superlatively well-researched book about the Biblical David that strikes a tone of almost perfect objectivity. Kirsch argues that David, if he existed (which isn't likely), was probably bisexual, seemed to be agnostic, and wrote very few of the sacred, purple hosannas the Bible attributes to him. This book is notably well-written nonfiction. I was actually sort of grateful to Kirsch for stating all his theses so plainly; after some of the semi-scholarly books I've read recently, King David felt almost like looking through a window. I've just now started Kirsch's treatment of The Book of Revelations; I'll let you know if it's anywhere near as great.
ix. Kalpa Imperial, by Angélica Gorodischer, translated by Ursula K. LeGuin. This is one of the only fantasy novels I've ever read that planted its gardens outside Tolkien's castle walls. Kalpa Imperial is about a magic kingdom that never existed, but I don't have any good words to describe its plot — in fact, in some places it doesn't really have a plot at all. It's such an organic and inclusive novel that writing a summary of it seems almost undignified; it feels like describing the human hand as a biological device used to insert cheeseburgers into the mouth. Some of the stories in this collection are alarming, others are satirical, and others are plainly pretty, but all of them are fascinating. I read this book in a single sitting, and if you have the luxury I think you will, too.
x. Paradise, by Toni Morrison. ★ This is another description-defying novel, but here goes: All Morrison's work is fantastic, poetic, and worthwhile, but Paradise is the novel that I keep returning to read. This book isn't really about what it's about, and it's nearly impossible to follow logically; its central conceit is the presentation of its characters' psychological landscapes as characters in their own right. Which, I know, makes no sense — so I guess you'll just have to go read it yourself and then help me think up a better summary.
xi. Maus, by Art Spiegelman. I'm not all that fond of the pomo "graphic novel" brigade, but Maus distinguishes itself from its peers by being wonderful. It's a comic book about the Holocaust in which all the human characters have been transfigured into anthropomorphic animals. Which, I know, looks sort of glib, pointless, and blasphemous — but the story is thoughtful and intermittently shocking. (Spiegelman's father is the main character, and he is epic.) If you haven't got it already, this comic is definitely worth buying to facilitate rereading.
Well-loved, popular stuff I should not have to tell you to read, because you've already read it: Good Omens, The Hitchhiker's Guide Series, Huckleberry Finn, Moby Dick, The Feminine Mystique, any/everything from Edgar Allan Poe's canon, Travels with Charley, The Handmaid's Tale, and The Martian Chronicles.
2. Recommended Reading, Fanwork Edition
A "★" indicates the presence of fictional sexxxxxxx. Presented in random order:
i. Helen ★ One of my favorite authors in any medium. I actually try getting into any fandom she writes for, because her stuff is that fantastic. I particularly like the detached, quiet, disinterested voices that she uses for her protagonists — they more clearly mimic actual human experience than the most vividly "emotional" prose ever could. FAVORITE STORY: Third Time's the Charm, and everything else.
ii. Jay Tryfanstone ★ I don't know (or care) if Jay Tryfanstone is male or female, but she or he is an amazingly talented and impressively manipulative writer; I've been surprised by more than one of her/his stories' conclusions. And again, I actually downloaded the Highlander series just so I could read the fic here. (The show was pretty horrid, but ultimately worth it.) FAVORITE STORY: Consanguinity et al. NOTE: Heed Tryfanstone's warnings faithfully! Although unfailingly fabulous, a few of his/her stories even squicked me, and I generally consider myself unsquickable.
iii. Busaikko ★ One of my favorite writers ever, no qualifiers. Sometimes she creates intentionally-OOC series which inevitably turn out better than source, both artistically and from a fan's perspective, but my favorite Busaikko fic curl inside and around canon like snakes. SPEAKING OF WHICH: Ten Aprils.
iv. Shalott ★ An old favorite with a zillion fandoms and a lot of attractively lurid, artfully mimetic, descriptive, and memorable stories. I even like her Merlin fic, and I absolutely hated that show. FAVORITE STORY: The Maiden Voyage of the Tiresias.
v. Speranza ★ I started reading Speranza's Due South fic years and years (and years) ago, but I love almost everything she's written to date. I did my best to watch Stargate Atlantis because of Speranza, but since the series itself fell so desperately short of the stuff in her fic I eventually gave it up. FAVORITE STORY: Beyond Embarrassment, Benched, and Kid A.
vi. Dolores Crane ★ As far as I'm concerned, J.K. Rowling exists just so that the internet would be given Crucius. It is one of the best short stories ever written by anybody. Ever. Anybody. Go read it, and agree.
vii. Resonant ★ Lots of completely amazing Harry Potter stuff, all of which feel like burn balm on the searing wounds the books left on my brain — but my favorite Resonant story is Pseudopolis, a relatively recent Discworld story [!].
viii. Lily ★ I'm running out of synonyms for "amazing." What am I, Katie Holmes? Another great writer, another great page, and more brilliant SGA fic that's a billion times better than the source material. FAVORITE STORY: Visiting Hours.
ix. Torch ★ Many awesome fic here, but I'm fondest of the SGA, the Star Wars, and the Saiyuuki. There are too many favorites to choose, but if pressed I'll go with Heart of Glass. Or The Entirely Beautiful. Or A bright particular star.
x. Kaneko ★ I found this page because of the great Due South stories, and stayed for the SGA fic. I want to tell you that if Stargate Atlantis had been one-tenth as amazing as Intersections, it would've been my favorite show ever.
xi. Gabe Delahaye ★ Tons of great fic from all sorts of fandoms, and all in one place. You can't go wrong here, but my favorites are Nicholas Sparks, The Kid From Finding Forrester, And James Franco Have A Writers Workshop and People Tell Carrie Prejean What An Asshole She Is, and Tom Cruise Gets Some Ice Cream (this one is sexy).